You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Aaaa…CHOO!
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?