You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
you’re damn right i have
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.