You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
he looks great for his age
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
How software testing works
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]