you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You Might Also Like
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird