you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You Might Also Like
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
This dude got his own movie?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid