you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.