you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
This did not end as expected.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Ghost costume 😂
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.