you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific