you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
This fish is cracking me up
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack