@HitsBelowBelt

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.

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@jasonroeder

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

@Dawn_M_

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

@doktorj

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

@wickedsuga

alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.

@HeSlimedMeRay

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

@AdamGrinchyPoo

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

@UncleDuke1969

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.