The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?
Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.
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me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.