*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
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I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.