Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That de-escalated quickly

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

I can’t stop watching this.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.