You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Comparing yourself to others
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes