Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.