Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?