@qwajo_jnr

You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem

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@AsgardianRose

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

@aparnapkin

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

@Cheeseboy22

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

@ohen39

[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*

@Douchekevin

I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

@daemonic3

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@lakeanagirl

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.