To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!
[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*
I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*
“Where you going?”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.