You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem

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To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?


picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet


I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”


[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*


I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.


[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time


*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”


Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.


I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.