You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
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Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Phonetics
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet