You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
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A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Lmao 😁
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Ron is short for Aaronald
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues