You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?