Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

This is I, Robot all over again

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother