Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

So, can we agree on 4 or

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

How it started: How it’s going:

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Pleading insanity in small claims court

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

honestly, i need both:

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.