Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..