You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Wow 🤣
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner