You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.