You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
called in thicc to work this morning
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog