You know that person who shoves scared skydivers out of the plane? I think i’d like that job
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Wise advice
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.