You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
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They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
There are no pants in heaven.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut