You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Thrilling chase underway
