Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

Never be a pizza!

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better