You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!