You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it