You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
What about a To-Don’t List?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
9 circles of hell in this economy?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.