You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
You Might Also Like
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
just pretend nothing happened
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.