You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?