You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??