Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

Husband opening his new radar detector…

Me- want me to run by really fast?

Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.

Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.