You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
This is me
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way