Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

💻🤡

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]