you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Stop sending me this shit.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry