Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
no their not
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Practicing safe sax
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.