You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.