You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
😂🖐️
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”