You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.