“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …