“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶