You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I feel seen.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?