You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Cannot stop laughing at this
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class