Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”