You know the economy is tanking when Kanye’s girlfriend can’t even afford clothes.
You Might Also Like
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.