You know the economy is tanking when Kanye’s girlfriend can’t even afford clothes.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water