You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
You Might Also Like
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*cough*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it