You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Blew out my flip flop…
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist