You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
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If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
