you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
