you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
weird email i got today
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
