You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Jesus Christ lmao
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Yoga Matt
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle