You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
You Might Also Like
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
felt cute might bury dad later idk
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there