Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?