You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
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Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I put the mess in domestic.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!