You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
buys donuts instead
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.