Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Feels

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Basically.

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂