Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Morning.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve