@7Osdeaky

you know there’s a generation gap when kids are talking about tik tok and you realize they’re not talking about the pop classic Tik Tok by Kesha released in 2009

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@HandyJack420

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

@hazelmotes1

Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.

@TheUnderfold

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

@NewDadNotes

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

@SingleVixxen

If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”

@peachgrenade

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

@Gupton68

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’