My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?