You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.

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Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.


Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?


Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.


me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick


[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business


I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.


Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together


A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.


Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.