Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.
You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.
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Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”