wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
You Might Also Like
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.