@mishakey

You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.

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@Kryzazy

Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

@Gupton68

Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@GrantTanaka

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

@daemonic3

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

@JohnLyonTweets

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@LizHackett

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

@JohnLyonTweets

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.