@mishakey

You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi.

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@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@Marlebean

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

@Loli_Sug

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

@AndrewChamings

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

@NeinQuarterly

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

@CourtneyBale

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

@ThatMummyLife

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

@Girliegurll

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

@Marlebean

Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”

Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”