Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.