Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?