You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
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Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside