You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
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Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
Always…
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?