You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.